Livedreamlife’s Weblog

lately it’s been one of those times of testing my patience.

Things seem to be at a stand still. It’s frustrating because i want to go somewhere i want this to be something. I want this to be something more then two people hanging out and getting to know eachother.I want to start a life. A new life filled of God’s love and joy x2. I want to be able to say that we are together and not have to say hopefully or sort of kind of.

Lists still haven’t been made, talked about, or even mentioned and i think that that’s God testing my patience. Testing how long will it take for me to run away or rush into something that’s maybe not meant to be right now.

I wish i had the patience that Joel does. He always takes things prayerfully which is how i should be too but i feel like my flesh gets the best of me sometimes.

There are so many things to talk about. So many.It’s frustrating because i have so much to work on with school and to be honest i would drop it all just to talk to him. I know it’s not wise of me. I know i need to focus on school but honestly i feel like God has given me a heart to invest in people. Well maybe just boys that’s probably what Becca and Mo would say.

It’s true though.

i invested so much of my time in Aaron and Brandon when Brandon and I were dating. So much of my time. I don’t have any regrets. I don’t liveby regrets…or at least i try not to. I live and learn from my mistakes. i think me hanging out with Brandon and Aaron was not a mistake but i now know what some of my weaknesses are. I’m thankful for that time because i feel i grew so much during that time but i also feel like i was pushed back as well.

I don’t want that to happen. For the longest time i’ve just wanted to dive into a relationship with Joel..no looking back.  Why not??? But honestly after prayerfully thinking about it…what’s the rush? It’s not like i’m ready to get married within the next year and according to Joel’s dad and him he isn’t either. Honestly when it comes down to it it’s been almost 2 months.  2 months. 2 months. I’ve NEVER waited this long to get into a relationship with someone. Never. But obviously those relationships didn’t work for a reason and maybe Joel is the reason.

God is teaching me so much about myself that i need to work on like myself, my friendships, school, how i deal with relationships or “hopefully” relationships.

I’m thankful for Joel. I’m thankful for my purity. I’m thankful for being healthy. I’m thankful for family. friends.

It’s been a good year. A great year. I can’t wait for the new year to begin a new journey in another year. 

So I’m alive…. that’s all i have to say i’m alive. Joel and I got into a car accicent last night…it was one of the scariest things that i’ve been in probably ever but for some reason it wasn’t that scary with Joel being there. He basically lost control for like a split second and spun around going backwards and then slammed into a tree on the side of the road… Both of us were fine just some aches like back and shoulder.  joel slammed his head on the windshield…thank God he didn’t go flying through. Seriously al i could say throughout this accident was Thank God for this and Thank God for that…through all of this God is still good. I kept reassuring myself and Joel.

They had to cut the roof off the vehicle and thank God that he has a sense of jumor because while this was happening we had comic relief from Tim…a guy that just stopped off to help…he kept cracking jokes and making it easier to not think about what was happening.

So the car is totaled and well i feel really badly because it was joel’s dad’s car. It’s going to be tough to adjust without the one car and i will definetly be praying about that.

So right now i just have some shoulder pain…Didn’t go to class this morning and i don’t think i’m going into work either i’m still trying to figure it out if i should go or not.

It’s crazy because the firstthought in my mind was, “are you ok?” . It didn’t matter what happened to me…it mattered what happened to Joel. That is the first time i have EVER felt this way…a flash of my life never came through or omg what is happening it was “are you ok?”. It’s a weird feeling….anyway…

I called the doctors to get my results and well…they are normal!!! Praise God i’m not anemic. So instead i’m going on Birth Control to see what’s going on if that helps witht eh dizziness and the crampy feelings.

i can’t believe i walked away from that accident, i can’t believe Joel is ok, I can’t believe how Good God is and HOW MUCH he protects us.

So these past couple of weeks have been very trying, happy, scary, and well interesting…

About 3 months ago i found a lump and i’ve been trying to keep a secret for such a long time because i thought that it wasn’t anything serious and that i didn’t want everyone to freak out and treat me differently because of it…I pretty much went into a little depression about it because they doctors had given me medicine to decrease my limphnode that she thought it was. After about 3 weeks of it still here i decided to go back in because well she said if it didn’t that i would need to get blood tests done to find out if it was cancer. Do you have any idea how that makes someone feel? I was so upset and just many different things were going through my mind.

I scheduled an appointment to go and then over slept and so i had to reschedule. Went this morning. I’ve been feeling pain in the same area as the lump, not only that but dizziness after standing for a long amount of time.

Long story short i got my blood tests done but i’m no longer looking for cancer i’m trying to find out if i’m anemic or not. As crazy as this sounds i’m very happy to hear that this could be the problem..not only that but i will find out for sure on thursday what’s going on. What i do’t understand is if you ARE anemic why do they take blood??? haha. Anyway yeah so until then i will just have to wait.

I’m thankful because during this whole crazy thing i’m thankful for Joel. We might not be officially dating and i really don’t know where we are but God i believe has sent him to me to distract me from the trivial things in life. To help strengthen me, and build me up closer to God. I thank God for him.

Becca has been with me through this process as well coahing me and letting me know everything will be fine and that i needed to get these tests done to stop worrying…and for her i’m grateful. The friends i have now are truely amazing and i’m just so grateful for what God has given me…

Through everything He is God.

What a great time to spend with friends and Joel. I went as  Christine from Phantom of the Opera which really i didn’t look like her BUT Joel went as a nurse…

Great time so here are some of the pictures

Make a second doctors appt.

Make an appt for my car.

Fix this insurance thing.

Homework.

Spend time with Becca as much as i can before she leaves.

Pray.Pray.PRAY.

Gosh these last couple of weeks have been some of the greatest weeks girl could ask for. As each day goes by i learn more and more How good God is How much God loves me. He wants me to be happy. I met Joel at work and well pretty much from the second week i met him i’ve was always attracted to him. I was very interested but never persued anything because well i was in this stage of waiting on the guy to iniate something and well i didn’t think he was interested. Time went by and i learned more and more about him..things like

He’s christian. Check. He’s 19. Check. He has many brothers and sisters. Check. He’s cute. Check.
So of course with knowing all of this i was interested.

Little did i know he was feeling the same about me and he had been for a very long time…Ugh i was so happy.

So ever since then i believe ever since Oct 6th which is when we met at Walmart to hang out we have been hanging out and getting to know about eachother…We aren’t dating yet BUT i sense some serious potential.

He’s just great we compliment eachother well, well at least I think we do. He’s making me realize things about my life that i need to change and things in the future that i would like to have. 

Hanging out with his family brings so much Joy into my heart… Lord knows my situation with my family and it’s no where near hw close Joel’s family is. I’m almost jealous. I am jealous. Growing up in a large family i’m pretty sure has it’s up’s and down’s but in the end you make it through stronger. The love these people have is incredible and i think it’s all because of God. The first night i hung out with them the constant reminder of obeing your parents came into play alot that night and that’s totally a biblical pricinple. It just makes me smile when he comes into my head and brightens my day when i’m having a crappy day at work.  I know for a fact that i want to have a family like his. A family built on biblical principles, Love, and commitment.

On a not so happier note my other nanny went into the hospital…Gosh 3 of my nannies are in the hospital now and it’s just sad…ugh please pray.

Joel and I are going to try and find costumes tomorrow hopefully they aren’t too expensive or we can find materials to make them.  Gosh i’m so happy dispite the circumstances.

God has been so good to me over the past couple of weeks. Not only has work been happier but my social life is contiuing to thrive after i thought it  was going to die.

There are many things in life that i could go into detail about for the past 2 months but i’m going to really focus on the present.

School is absouletly rediculous right now. I have so much reading to catch up on because i’ve been using my time for other things/other people that i have no regreats about that i’ve been putting of school.  I wrote my first 15 page paper ever in probably total combined 1 and an half days. I was such a procrastinator i waited until the day it was due to work on it…yeah i know go me! It was very stressful but with the help of Monique and Joel coaching me to make it through i did with an hour to spare.

Speaking of Joel he’s a fun topic and quite frankly probably the only topic that makes me smile more than anything right now. I don’t really want to get into detail too much but I’m excited to see where this could end up. He makes me smile more than anyone in my life right now.

Oh Funny story…Had this feeling to go to Costco to get gas at around 9Pm…which i never do…and well let’s be serious i knew he was working so i went and decided to wait until he got out of work to surprise him. Come to find out his tire blew on his motorcycle and well he really didn’t NEED a ride but i was there and so he ended up letting me drive him home…It was weird anyway we went to his house and past it and went to look at the stars and FINALLY not get interrupted by cops this time…it was beautiful! Anyway After all of that Joel’s sister Liz was texting him to come home basically and bring me with him so she could meet me…it was interesting to walk in and just meet his parents just like that. I had really no idea what was going on and felt all kinds of feelings. His family is awesome! I seriously now want a big family.  They were funny and my cheeks hurt so much from laughing and smiling so much. I feel it turned out to be a great night…Becca i now understand.

The night before he met my dad and well i thought my dad would be more interested in getting to know Joel but of course sports were the main topic. He just doesn’t express emotions let alone anything. It’s just annoying sometimes. Other then that i think it went well for him.

Baby Pea pod is getting bigger they had another ultrasound today not sure how it went.  AND i don’t think i even mentioned on here that i’m going to have another brother or sister Hence my nickname “baby Pea Pod”. That’s exciting and i’m just going to live through my step mom for the time being until it’s time for me to have a little one…oh i can’t wait.

Florida was amazing… until my phone broke.

I feel like i’m still in this transition stage of churches. I like newsong but i really don’t feel like i need to go and that’s a problem. Maybe that’s a problem with me and my motivation and my love for God or Newsong is just not the place for me. So I’ve decided to expand a little more…still go to newsong somehow while researching other areas.

God you are in control of every aspect of my life please give me a clear direction for the future and sneakers to walk it in…haha. God does has a sense of humor so he might just give me heels.

Off of work for the next 2 days…what a relief…So in this time of having off and no one around i’ve been in a serious search to find out and ask God some answers on some questions

What do i really want out of life?                                                                                   What does God want for my life?                                                                                       and how can i acheive this?                                                                                               How can i improve my lifestyle…            

I know some things are certain…i certainly do not want to be alone in life…just having 3 days off of no work and no school made me realize this.

I know for sure that i do not want to work at Costco the rest of my life.

I know for sure that i have a problem…a problem with the media. I have a problem when Micheal Jackson is getting more coverage on his death and kids and memorial than the war that is happening and the people dying. I have a problem wheni come home and pop in a movie because i have nothing better to do than to sit at home and watch a movie i have seen over 15 times. I have a problem with buying movies only to have them lead to nudity (which i was not aware of when i bought it) and then say oh it was a pretty good movie and use the whole “well it was very artsy and just chalk the movie up to art” when deep down inside it is killing purity inside of me that i never thought it would do.  I have a problem when i just can’t sit in silence and listen to Gods word or read God’s word because “it’s not that entertaining enough for me” and then use the excuse of  “I’m a visual learner” . I have a problem when facebook, google, youtube, stumble upon, maraudermail, yahoo, mapquest, itunes, aim, wordpress, abc.com, nbc.com, and moviesister.com are all things that i go to before God…and not just for advice but for entertainment, for relaxing, for being nosey, jealous, greedy, and folly (yeah from proverbs). I’m sick of it.

(the fact that i never knew what folly actually meant until tonight is absolutely rediculous cause i’ve read it over and over again in Proverbs but never looked the word up until tonight)

I’ve actually had time to breath in words of truth…the bible and actually study it and not just get what i can out of it for the day like a horoscope. sitting down looking up words that i didn’t understand and fulling breathe it in without a hesistation.

There are alot of things i’m searching/ looking for i just can’t wait until God reveals something else in my life that i never owned up to…

Prayer request: Patience with my job, direction, and wisdom

I’m sick of the news talking about this lady who is hispanic becoming a court judge or something…like get over it…I find it is awesome that change is happening in the office but i mean i think they are being a bit racist when they ask this question” Do you think Sotomayor Sp? will be a better judge than a white man because she is hispanic  and has been in that environment and knows how it is? really…just get off the white/ black thing get over the Black and white subject…people are just set in there ways and it pisses me off.

enough about that….

lost 3 pounds! Oh happy day…it begins the quest to feel happy and healthy about my body again. 

Had a great last few days hanging out with some Navs people…I’m starting to think that’s where God wanted me to go to meet people outside of UCF…Newsong i’m excited about again…i don’t know everytime i think of a church to go to I have options like Calvary: Wayyyy too big and  alot of old people. UCF: Too young now that i’m graduating next year and it’s college based and i want to learn deeper things. Metro green: too small. Newsong: right in the middle…not to big… a few more older people but at least they aren;t in there 70’s and 80’s and they have small groups and people i’ve already met…i have a mailbox and well offering envelopes…which Lord knows when those envelopes are going to used…anyway my point it i’m going to try one more time with Newspng…i just need to go to a smallgroup before i judge.

My birthday is on friday and i pretty much ahave nothing to do which is nice because i don’t have to…do anything. Wel school but that in the morning…which i might be going to Shady maple and getting free breakfast…if anyone wants to join feel free sometime after 10AM i’m leaving millersville.

The R&R retreat is this Saturday which i’m going to and Emily Bridal Shower is also this Saturday after the retreat…i’m pumped but as for anything later day…no plans yet… ok i’m done…

Kayla