He Wants It All

 

Forever Jones – He Wants It All

 

There’s a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all

And there’s a God that walks over the earth,
he’s searching for heart that is desperate,
And longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all

And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all

There’s a God that walks over the earth,
he’s searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all

And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with you life now
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it

Oh oh oh, all of you, more of you
wants it all today oh oh oh (whole thing x3)
Today, today

he wants it all today, he wants is all today
so give it all

There’s a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all

He wants it all

Something about this song that screams conviction. Not letting all of my heart go to God and still clinging to earthly things. I’m praying the Lord will open my eyes to even more things that i have failed in keeping up with and helping me grow even in the midst of this darkness. I know i have haven’t been living whole heartly for God and I know there are things that i need to improve on. Church today really opened my eyes to some things i need to just let die. I know this will be very heart to accomplish but really it’s the best thing to do right now in this season of life.

1. My diet. There is NO reason as to why i’m the size i am now.

2. My bedtime…in order for this school thing to happen i need to start going to bed earlier and so that will be my chore from now on.

3. Spending less time doing other things and spending more time with God. Hulu can wait and if joel loves me enough i’m sure he could live with me spending more time with our Lord and Savior over him.

there are going to be some changes happening and i can feel it…i really can. I just need that fire to take hold of my butt and push me and motivate me to do it.

Kings and Queens

“The age of man is over
A darkness comes at dawn
These lessons that we learned here
Have only just begun” – Kings and Queens~ 30 Seconds to Mars

Never will i think i’m done learning. Learning lessons in life, learning how to do things, learning more about God, and learning what not to do.

Life has been pretty crazy the last couple of weeks and i feel life is going to continue to be that way for the rest of my life.  School is FINALLY coming to an end next year and i feel like God is directing my life to go somewhere. Right now i don’t know where i’m going to be after i graduate. I’m hoping not at my mom’s house and maybe even not in Lancaster. I’m realizing I’m a very attached person some people call it clingy…yeah i guess you could say i’m that. I’m slowing learning that that’s not healthy. I’m also realizing that as much as I love my family I’m not attached to staying in lancaster, I’m also not opposed to staying here either. All this to say i really could move or i could stay…i’m content with either decision…not that there is a decision to make right now anyway.

I look forward to the future all the time. Almost too much and the possibilities of things not going the way I want them to but being on God’s side i can’t decide my future. I can try and i can pray but i can’t decide it.

I’m taking a math course right now and i’ve decided though that I HATE MATH.  If given a choice between calcuating the truth tables and the crap i’m learning now and spending some time in solitary confinement i think i would choose the confinement…it’s SOOO boring and i absolutly SUCK at it. Every part of math…even dividing.  Thank’s to God he created the calculator.

Living with my mom hasn’t been too bad except for the fact that she has been home for about 4 weeks and she is ALWAYS here. I really can’t wait until she gets better and goes back to work.  I’d been paying rent for the past oh i don’t know 837,546,347,895 months and i finally broke down because i’m now broke and talked to her about it and how unfair i thought it was. i understand the reasoning and evrything but as a result i’m now completly broke. So we worked something out.  :)

Joel and I are doing really well and i thank God everyday i’m with him for the way he is to me. It’s been almost 8 months already! He has been such a positive person and teaching me things about myself that are heart/sin issues in my life and helping me work through them. Not only is He great to me but his family is really helpful to talk to about problems and prayers that i have. I remember talking to Nicoli (Joel’s older sister) about my dad and our realtionship and feeling really uplifted after talking to her about it…So to whoever is reading this i’m going to right now confess 3 sin issues in my life that if you have spare time can you please pray that these issues won’t be a burden on my heart and through this expierence to strengthen my walk with God and also strengthen Joel and I’s relationship.

1. patience: I have very low patience in many different situtations and that would be connected to trying to work things out on my own and not relying on God to place His hands in the situation. Things like Marriage, and having children, and even just the simple things like not getting my way and the trying to work in Photoshop…

2. jealousy: This has been a very BIG issue with me since i started liking boys in middle school. I really didn’t want to admit it because it would make me seem weak and just almost belittle myself.  It’s been every aspect of jealousy from Destiny (my sister), to texts that Joel receives all the way down to his time spent with me and me wanting us to spend more time just the two of us (which we do ALL the time). Selfish. Just being selfish.

and 3rd. forgiveness: I really have a hard time letting things go after they have been “forgiven” by me. Aaron was the first to bring that to my attention but Joel brought it up the other day and i’m realizing that this is not a healthy way to go through life holding grudges and bringing up past issues into the present issues.

There are many more sins that i could list here ones that I know are sin issues and others that i still need to realize about myself but for right now i feel 3 is  good number.

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I’m pretty sure i’m going to be broke…and broken down in this next year.

My mom is charging mme rent… $300 a month…SERIOUSLY…i want to move out and it’s rediculous. It’s because i failed two of my classes this semester and i understand why she would start to charge me but part of me wants to pay off these loans i have under her name and just move out before finishing school…i think it’s even rediculous for her to even tell me i can’t move out until those are paid if she is taking my money that would go to paying off the loan…it’s like she wants me to stay or something…ugh i’m over it.

I feel like i’m going to break down…at some point. For some reason i’ve been having mood swings and it’s like i’m really happy one moment and really sad the next. Crying. and then back to smiling…It might be the birth control i’m taking but yeah i have no idea…the pain is gone though. Whatever that was.

I love my life…

i seriously am in love with my life right now…I can’t even begint o tell you how happy I am.

Received a lovely present out in my car at the end of my shift…Flowers! From Joel of course…Gosh how did i get so lucky. He just did it out of the blue…no reason.

I’m almost done shopping for Christmas stuff…still a few more things…

Thanksgiving was amazing…Got to spend it with my family and Joel’s family and him of course :) . I’d have to say that when i’m around his family i feel like one of them and that’s weird…not a bad weird but a good one…ANNNNNyway…Very happy day for me…

Up early tomorrow for some more christmas shopping and then working 4-9…can’t wait…mute.

I would drop everything…

lately it’s been one of those times of testing my patience.

Things seem to be at a stand still. It’s frustrating because i want to go somewhere i want this to be something. I want this to be something more then two people hanging out and getting to know eachother.I want to start a life. A new life filled of God’s love and joy x2. I want to be able to say that we are together and not have to say hopefully or sort of kind of.

Lists still haven’t been made, talked about, or even mentioned and i think that that’s God testing my patience. Testing how long will it take for me to run away or rush into something that’s maybe not meant to be right now.

I wish i had the patience that Joel does. He always takes things prayerfully which is how i should be too but i feel like my flesh gets the best of me sometimes.

There are so many things to talk about. So many.It’s frustrating because i have so much to work on with school and to be honest i would drop it all just to talk to him. I know it’s not wise of me. I know i need to focus on school but honestly i feel like God has given me a heart to invest in people. Well maybe just boys that’s probably what Becca and Mo would say.

It’s true though.

i invested so much of my time in Aaron and Brandon when Brandon and I were dating. So much of my time. I don’t have any regrets. I don’t liveby regrets…or at least i try not to. I live and learn from my mistakes. i think me hanging out with Brandon and Aaron was not a mistake but i now know what some of my weaknesses are. I’m thankful for that time because i feel i grew so much during that time but i also feel like i was pushed back as well.

I don’t want that to happen. For the longest time i’ve just wanted to dive into a relationship with Joel..no looking back.  Why not??? But honestly after prayerfully thinking about it…what’s the rush? It’s not like i’m ready to get married within the next year and according to Joel’s dad and him he isn’t either. Honestly when it comes down to it it’s been almost 2 months.  2 months. 2 months. I’ve NEVER waited this long to get into a relationship with someone. Never. But obviously those relationships didn’t work for a reason and maybe Joel is the reason.

God is teaching me so much about myself that i need to work on like myself, my friendships, school, how i deal with relationships or “hopefully” relationships.

I’m thankful for Joel. I’m thankful for my purity. I’m thankful for being healthy. I’m thankful for family. friends.

It’s been a good year. A great year. I can’t wait for the new year to begin a new journey in another year.  :-)

2 blessings in one day

So I’m alive…. that’s all i have to say i’m alive. Joel and I got into a car accicent last night…it was one of the scariest things that i’ve been in probably ever but for some reason it wasn’t that scary with Joel being there. He basically lost control for like a split second and spun around going backwards and then slammed into a tree on the side of the road… Both of us were fine just some aches like back and shoulder.  joel slammed his head on the windshield…thank God he didn’t go flying through. Seriously al i could say throughout this accident was Thank God for this and Thank God for that…through all of this God is still good. I kept reassuring myself and Joel.

They had to cut the roof off the vehicle and thank God that he has a sense of jumor because while this was happening we had comic relief from Tim…a guy that just stopped off to help…he kept cracking jokes and making it easier to not think about what was happening.

So the car is totaled and well i feel really badly because it was joel’s dad’s car. It’s going to be tough to adjust without the one car and i will definetly be praying about that.

So right now i just have some shoulder pain…Didn’t go to class this morning and i don’t think i’m going into work either i’m still trying to figure it out if i should go or not.

It’s crazy because the firstthought in my mind was, “are you ok?” . It didn’t matter what happened to me…it mattered what happened to Joel. That is the first time i have EVER felt this way…a flash of my life never came through or omg what is happening it was “are you ok?”. It’s a weird feeling….anyway…

I called the doctors to get my results and well…they are normal!!! Praise God i’m not anemic. So instead i’m going on Birth Control to see what’s going on if that helps witht eh dizziness and the crampy feelings.

i can’t believe i walked away from that accident, i can’t believe Joel is ok, I can’t believe how Good God is and HOW MUCH he protects us.

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In the waiting…

So these past couple of weeks have been very trying, happy, scary, and well interesting…

About 3 months ago i found a lump and i’ve been trying to keep a secret for such a long time because i thought that it wasn’t anything serious and that i didn’t want everyone to freak out and treat me differently because of it…I pretty much went into a little depression about it because they doctors had given me medicine to decrease my limphnode that she thought it was. After about 3 weeks of it still here i decided to go back in because well she said if it didn’t that i would need to get blood tests done to find out if it was cancer. Do you have any idea how that makes someone feel? I was so upset and just many different things were going through my mind.

I scheduled an appointment to go and then over slept and so i had to reschedule. Went this morning. I’ve been feeling pain in the same area as the lump, not only that but dizziness after standing for a long amount of time.

Long story short i got my blood tests done but i’m no longer looking for cancer i’m trying to find out if i’m anemic or not. As crazy as this sounds i’m very happy to hear that this could be the problem..not only that but i will find out for sure on thursday what’s going on. What i do’t understand is if you ARE anemic why do they take blood??? haha. Anyway yeah so until then i will just have to wait.

I’m thankful because during this whole crazy thing i’m thankful for Joel. We might not be officially dating and i really don’t know where we are but God i believe has sent him to me to distract me from the trivial things in life. To help strengthen me, and build me up closer to God. I thank God for him.

Becca has been with me through this process as well coahing me and letting me know everything will be fine and that i needed to get these tests done to stop worrying…and for her i’m grateful. The friends i have now are truely amazing and i’m just so grateful for what God has given me…

Through everything He is God.

Halloween

What a great time to spend with friends and Joel. I went as  Christine from Phantom of the Opera which really i didn’t look like her BUT Joel went as a nurse…

Great time so here are some of the pictures

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