Livedreamlife’s Weblog

My mom is charging mme rent… $300 a month…SERIOUSLY…i want to move out and it’s rediculous. It’s because i failed two of my classes this semester and i understand why she would start to charge me but part of me wants to pay off these loans i have under her name and just move out before finishing school…i think it’s even rediculous for her to even tell me i can’t move out until those are paid if she is taking my money that would go to paying off the loan…it’s like she wants me to stay or something…ugh i’m over it.

I feel like i’m going to break down…at some point. For some reason i’ve been having mood swings and it’s like i’m really happy one moment and really sad the next. Crying. and then back to smiling…It might be the birth control i’m taking but yeah i have no idea…the pain is gone though. Whatever that was.

i seriously am in love with my life right now…I can’t even begint o tell you how happy I am.

Received a lovely present out in my car at the end of my shift…Flowers! From Joel of course…Gosh how did i get so lucky. He just did it out of the blue…no reason.

I’m almost done shopping for Christmas stuff…still a few more things…

Thanksgiving was amazing…Got to spend it with my family and Joel’s family and him of course . I’d have to say that when i’m around his family i feel like one of them and that’s weird…not a bad weird but a good one…ANNNNNyway…Very happy day for me…

Up early tomorrow for some more christmas shopping and then working 4-9…can’t wait…mute.

lately it’s been one of those times of testing my patience.

Things seem to be at a stand still. It’s frustrating because i want to go somewhere i want this to be something. I want this to be something more then two people hanging out and getting to know eachother.I want to start a life. A new life filled of God’s love and joy x2. I want to be able to say that we are together and not have to say hopefully or sort of kind of.

Lists still haven’t been made, talked about, or even mentioned and i think that that’s God testing my patience. Testing how long will it take for me to run away or rush into something that’s maybe not meant to be right now.

I wish i had the patience that Joel does. He always takes things prayerfully which is how i should be too but i feel like my flesh gets the best of me sometimes.

There are so many things to talk about. So many.It’s frustrating because i have so much to work on with school and to be honest i would drop it all just to talk to him. I know it’s not wise of me. I know i need to focus on school but honestly i feel like God has given me a heart to invest in people. Well maybe just boys that’s probably what Becca and Mo would say.

It’s true though.

i invested so much of my time in Aaron and Brandon when Brandon and I were dating. So much of my time. I don’t have any regrets. I don’t liveby regrets…or at least i try not to. I live and learn from my mistakes. i think me hanging out with Brandon and Aaron was not a mistake but i now know what some of my weaknesses are. I’m thankful for that time because i feel i grew so much during that time but i also feel like i was pushed back as well.

I don’t want that to happen. For the longest time i’ve just wanted to dive into a relationship with Joel..no looking back.  Why not??? But honestly after prayerfully thinking about it…what’s the rush? It’s not like i’m ready to get married within the next year and according to Joel’s dad and him he isn’t either. Honestly when it comes down to it it’s been almost 2 months.  2 months. 2 months. I’ve NEVER waited this long to get into a relationship with someone. Never. But obviously those relationships didn’t work for a reason and maybe Joel is the reason.

God is teaching me so much about myself that i need to work on like myself, my friendships, school, how i deal with relationships or “hopefully” relationships.

I’m thankful for Joel. I’m thankful for my purity. I’m thankful for being healthy. I’m thankful for family. friends.

It’s been a good year. A great year. I can’t wait for the new year to begin a new journey in another year. 

So I’m alive…. that’s all i have to say i’m alive. Joel and I got into a car accicent last night…it was one of the scariest things that i’ve been in probably ever but for some reason it wasn’t that scary with Joel being there. He basically lost control for like a split second and spun around going backwards and then slammed into a tree on the side of the road… Both of us were fine just some aches like back and shoulder.  joel slammed his head on the windshield…thank God he didn’t go flying through. Seriously al i could say throughout this accident was Thank God for this and Thank God for that…through all of this God is still good. I kept reassuring myself and Joel.

They had to cut the roof off the vehicle and thank God that he has a sense of jumor because while this was happening we had comic relief from Tim…a guy that just stopped off to help…he kept cracking jokes and making it easier to not think about what was happening.

So the car is totaled and well i feel really badly because it was joel’s dad’s car. It’s going to be tough to adjust without the one car and i will definetly be praying about that.

So right now i just have some shoulder pain…Didn’t go to class this morning and i don’t think i’m going into work either i’m still trying to figure it out if i should go or not.

It’s crazy because the firstthought in my mind was, “are you ok?” . It didn’t matter what happened to me…it mattered what happened to Joel. That is the first time i have EVER felt this way…a flash of my life never came through or omg what is happening it was “are you ok?”. It’s a weird feeling….anyway…

I called the doctors to get my results and well…they are normal!!! Praise God i’m not anemic. So instead i’m going on Birth Control to see what’s going on if that helps witht eh dizziness and the crampy feelings.

i can’t believe i walked away from that accident, i can’t believe Joel is ok, I can’t believe how Good God is and HOW MUCH he protects us.

So these past couple of weeks have been very trying, happy, scary, and well interesting…

About 3 months ago i found a lump and i’ve been trying to keep a secret for such a long time because i thought that it wasn’t anything serious and that i didn’t want everyone to freak out and treat me differently because of it…I pretty much went into a little depression about it because they doctors had given me medicine to decrease my limphnode that she thought it was. After about 3 weeks of it still here i decided to go back in because well she said if it didn’t that i would need to get blood tests done to find out if it was cancer. Do you have any idea how that makes someone feel? I was so upset and just many different things were going through my mind.

I scheduled an appointment to go and then over slept and so i had to reschedule. Went this morning. I’ve been feeling pain in the same area as the lump, not only that but dizziness after standing for a long amount of time.

Long story short i got my blood tests done but i’m no longer looking for cancer i’m trying to find out if i’m anemic or not. As crazy as this sounds i’m very happy to hear that this could be the problem..not only that but i will find out for sure on thursday what’s going on. What i do’t understand is if you ARE anemic why do they take blood??? haha. Anyway yeah so until then i will just have to wait.

I’m thankful because during this whole crazy thing i’m thankful for Joel. We might not be officially dating and i really don’t know where we are but God i believe has sent him to me to distract me from the trivial things in life. To help strengthen me, and build me up closer to God. I thank God for him.

Becca has been with me through this process as well coahing me and letting me know everything will be fine and that i needed to get these tests done to stop worrying…and for her i’m grateful. The friends i have now are truely amazing and i’m just so grateful for what God has given me…

Through everything He is God.

What a great time to spend with friends and Joel. I went as  Christine from Phantom of the Opera which really i didn’t look like her BUT Joel went as a nurse…

Great time so here are some of the pictures

Make a second doctors appt.

Make an appt for my car.

Fix this insurance thing.

Homework.

Spend time with Becca as much as i can before she leaves.

Pray.Pray.PRAY.

Gosh these last couple of weeks have been some of the greatest weeks girl could ask for. As each day goes by i learn more and more How good God is How much God loves me. He wants me to be happy. I met Joel at work and well pretty much from the second week i met him i’ve was always attracted to him. I was very interested but never persued anything because well i was in this stage of waiting on the guy to iniate something and well i didn’t think he was interested. Time went by and i learned more and more about him..things like

He’s christian. Check. He’s 19. Check. He has many brothers and sisters. Check. He’s cute. Check.
So of course with knowing all of this i was interested.

Little did i know he was feeling the same about me and he had been for a very long time…Ugh i was so happy.

So ever since then i believe ever since Oct 6th which is when we met at Walmart to hang out we have been hanging out and getting to know about eachother…We aren’t dating yet BUT i sense some serious potential.

He’s just great we compliment eachother well, well at least I think we do. He’s making me realize things about my life that i need to change and things in the future that i would like to have. 

Hanging out with his family brings so much Joy into my heart… Lord knows my situation with my family and it’s no where near hw close Joel’s family is. I’m almost jealous. I am jealous. Growing up in a large family i’m pretty sure has it’s up’s and down’s but in the end you make it through stronger. The love these people have is incredible and i think it’s all because of God. The first night i hung out with them the constant reminder of obeing your parents came into play alot that night and that’s totally a biblical pricinple. It just makes me smile when he comes into my head and brightens my day when i’m having a crappy day at work.  I know for a fact that i want to have a family like his. A family built on biblical principles, Love, and commitment.

On a not so happier note my other nanny went into the hospital…Gosh 3 of my nannies are in the hospital now and it’s just sad…ugh please pray.

Joel and I are going to try and find costumes tomorrow hopefully they aren’t too expensive or we can find materials to make them.  Gosh i’m so happy dispite the circumstances.